Great Expectations

"Everything I have ever done, I've done for you."

-Finn, Great Expectations

Not all stories have happy endings. Some of them are unrequited. Sometimes I worry about becoming a Havisham? Living stuck amongst the dust, the burned down ruins of a life that's made up. What if its all for not. Continually disappointed by great expectations, living a life of limits on where my mind should wander. Unfortunately I'm not built that way. I still wish for something hopeful, where every Stella finds her Finn. Some days it's harder than others. Life is not about Cinderella. Here I am grocery store wandering, creating petitions for happy endings, making peace with bad decisions, searching wildly for better conclusions. Everything is for something else.

Lesson #30: Be happy with what you have.

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Hallo

"Have I not told you that what you mistake for madness is but over-acuteness of the sense?"

-Edgar Allan Poe, The Tell Tale Heart

True artists will tell you that it's about being uncomfortable with what might happen. They want to hear you scream into the night, see what can't be seen, find your inmost internal fear. It's not a life worth living if you don't get goosebumps and run, jump and grab out, or feel pale sweat on your neck. There is no cure for the things that go bump in the night. We all get one Halloween. We all get one night of restless sleep to remember we're never alone. The real haunt is in your head, it's about facing what you swear you won't. Take that deep breath, and walk right in. Open your eyes, get a good look, you get one night, use it wisely.

Lesson #29: Know what haunts you.

Blind

In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. 

-Blaise Pascal

Ok so I might be making it up as I go along. Some days, I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't tell you what's right and wrong. This doesn't seem to be multiple choice. Life is an essay test. I don't know the rules, I'm not sure if you kneel or bow, when you dip your hand in the water, I'm not exactly sure what it means, and I have no idea how long you should pray before going back to your seat. I drift off to places in my head, and standing still with my eyes closed, sometimes makes me feel like I might topple over. I prefer to make it up as I go along, I'm trying the best I can to be what would be described as a good person. So in the morning, I say hello in the hall way. I think about the best stuff in people. I ask God to help my friends. Some might think it's time wasted, but if one action, creates another positive reaction, then what we believe maybe trivial. The time I spend saying thank you is my time well spent. I've never been good at letting go, in fact I suck at release, deep breathing exercises, and reaching REM sleep. Sometimes I feel faithless, a failure at letting things happen, but I say hello in the hall way, and I hold the elevator for some guy on the second floor, and I smile at a stranger, and I take a deep breath, and try to have faith. If it doesn't mean anything, then what does it mean?

Lesson #28: Do the right thing.

The Neverending Story

I want to wear layers, shiver in the silver night, hear the train roar in the crisp crackle of the cold. It feels like summer will never end. It's time for the snap, the crunch of frost in the grass. I want to put away my shorts, and pair flannel with stripes. The Texas frost hasn't hit yet, the heat still beats off the asphalt. You can feel the sigh of the earth as the days grow longer, and remain damp. It too wants to make a change. Burn my lungs in white chilly mornings, drink frothy hot chocolate where the marshmellows melt. Bring me a winter where I can make a fire. I'll remember the summer that never ended, while I brush my cheek against the furry underlayer of my coat.

Lesson #27:  You always have something to look forward to.