I'll find you...

Dear Criminals,

I am a nice person. If you steal from me I am not likely to come after you, in fact I will justify your crappy wrong doings by saying something like... "Well, maybe that person needed my cell phone/ credit card/ camera/ ipod more than I do. Maybe they needed it to call home and tell thier family they miss them, or take a bus to Philadelphia where the love of their life was waiting so they could reunite, maybe they wanted to take one last picture, or hear that John Mayer song one more time." Who freaking knows, but like I said, I'm a nice person, so I'd let you have it. However, lately I'm getting a little pissy. For instance I do not appreciate you taking my potted plants. You do not need them, I can't even rationalize why you would need them. In fact I hope they died a little so all you get to look at is an empty pot with stupid $10 Garden Ridge soil. Also, stealing my makeup, NOT COOL. My makeup is from Walgreens, it would have been clear upon first glance that my dust bunny of a makeup bag was not valuable, but it was completely jerk of you to take it considering I had to go buy new makeup, and I was freaking tired. I hope you look like a clown in my shit. And for the record one of my newer OPI's was in there, and I know which one. You stole my bronze glitter nail polish you freak. So now I'm gonna go alllll CSI on your ass. Jokes on you because I work for a promotional products company, and I can buy those little spy pens in bulk. Also I would like you to know that if you come up in my neighborhood and start acting bunk, I'm totally gonna call the cops. I now have officer Gutierez on speed dial, and he'll understand why I went all nutso and confined you in my shed for a week. So congratulations, you better enjoy my stuff, cause I'm one of those psycho chicks who will totally bust out and be all paranoid, I'll peep around at night, don't think I'm above it, cause I'm totally not.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Lesson #13: Don't touch my stuff.